Kaleidoskopic

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Always A Long One

  After people find out I’m an insomniac, they often ask me “don’t you die if you don’t get enough sleep?” and yes, yes you can. They say things like, “you have to fall asleep eventually” and “why don’t you go get sleep medicine?”, and a few things that make me wonder if they even believe in insomnia. The truth is, I really only have a minor case of insomnia. I do sleep, full nights even, but I go through bouts of insomnia where I can’t sleep for days.

I really think there are people who don’t think insomnia is a real thing. They say, “oh, you just have a messed up sleeping pattern” or “you’re overly stressed/worried/worked up, lay off the caffeine”. I often resist the urge to smack these people along side the head. Don’t you think if I could sleep, I would? As for the caffeine, not only do I drink it maybe, once, or twice a week, it’s never ‘woken’ me up. Hell, I could drink it at midnight and still fall asleep before one, providing I’m not going through an insomnia bout. And I can’t possibly be overly stressed all the time.

Eventually, everyone, including the people who doubt it, get around to asking, “what do you do at night then?” cause let’s face it, whether you believe it or not, I’m still not sleeping. So really, how do I fill those endless dark hours, waiting for my little part of the world to wake up?

I usually go to bed at 8. Not because I go to sleep at 8 on normal nights, I usually go to sleep around 10 if I’m able to. I go upstairs to my room because that’s where my computer and desk is. But I likely won’t go back downstairs while the rest of my house is up. Nearly every night, without saying, a dog or two follows me upstairs, they’ll stay with me for the rest of the night.

I’ll either work on homework, or I’ll go on the computer, and listen to music, staying busy until about 9:30, when my eyes get really tired. Then I’ll fix my bed, the dogs are bound to have taken off one corner of the sheets, and climb in under the blankets. My music is left playing, it’s always on when I’m in my room. The dogs jump around and nest until they get comfy. One of them’s moved my blanket, and I quickly cover back up.

I’ll try to fall asleep, usually happens between 9:45 and 10 when I’m lucky. When I’m not, I’m tossing and turning until maybe 10:30 if I have that much patience. Of course, with my moving, one of the dog’s jumped off the bed. I laugh at them when their tail hits a blade of the fan, which lost it’s front cover awhile ago. It doesn’t hurt, trust me, I’ve done it too, it just makes you jump.

Now the fan’s blowing on my face. I tried to ignore it, but I’m too cold, I’ll have to adjust it. Before I adjust it, I’ll turn on my light so I don’t hit the blades after laughing at the dog, which kinda sucks, cause I could’ve just nearly been asleep.

Back in bed, I decide that I likely wasn’t nearly asleep. About 10:45ish I give up. My computer is inviting at this point, so I go on it. Chances are, I’m playing some repetitive simple game or staring at text waiting to be edited. Either way, I loose a lot of time on here.

Something usually makes me realize how late it is, a text message, some car outside, or whatever, but it’s about midnight. Opps. Back to bed. Toss. Turn. Think over the day. Think over my life. Think about the afterlife. Flop onto stomach. Poke computer back. Grab torch. Do you know how entertaining flashing a torch on a glow in the dark moon is? Not very fun. Drop torch after lighting up the whole thing again.

Look at time. Decide to read something. Forget to grab my glasses and seriously strain my eyes. Drop the book next to the torch. It’s still on, isn’t it? Play with the torch some more. Oh! Twitter update. At one in the morning, woot! It’s an update from one of my favourite author in London. Actually, I’ve never read one of her books, I only say that cause she is an author, and it’s easier to say that than to say that I only started to follow her because her and an actual favourite author write together and she’s interesting. Okay, mostly cause she’s writing buddies with my favourite author.

The music sucks. Change it to a different play list. Crap. I forget this music is louder than the other list. Close out of online radio and go to youtube. Find the let’s play of Amnesia: The Dark Decent. Decide that I don’t want nightmares tonight and change it to Assassin’s Creed. Turn on auto play and click full screen. Now that it’s playing, try and go to sleep again. Watch blurry video in reflection of the mirror until a dog comes and lays in front of it. It’s okay though, I know the video pretty well to only listen to the audio.

And, I’m thirsty. Of course, thirst comes into play somewhere in the night, it always does, doesn’t it? Both dogs run out of room as soon as the door’s opened. Follow them downstairs. Might as well use the rest room while getting a glass of water, right? Cause that’s inevitable too. Give dogs a piece of ice. Put one outside on the lead and follow him outside.

It’s kinda clear out, so I sit down on the guard rail and watch the sky. Figure out what to tell police when they come up to the door answering a neighbour’s call to 911 about a thief. After all, what type of person dresses all in black for their pyjamas and puts their hair into a pony tail? Switch dogs. Would they believe me, I’m just an insomniac looking at the stars? Or would they wake up everyone in the house and ask about me. Or, would they be polite and just arrest me until the morning when they could ask people while they’re awake. Let the dog in, stay outside. Mosey on around the yard. Most of my neighbours are aware that I wonder outside to star at the yards, but there are new neighbours a house away across the street. What would they expect.

Finally go back inside and to bed, almost before grabbing the water. Sit in bed for another hour. Is there anyone online worth chatting with? Nope. Like always. Go back to assassin’s creed. Is the clock normal still? Or has the numbers gone crazy? Is that even possible? Do I hallucinate too if I don’t get enough sleep? I mean, I really doubt it, but I have a friend that has a worse case of insomnia, she claims to.

3:30. “It’s three a.m. I must be lonely” to quote the song, 3 a.m. Am I sure there’s no one to chat with? There’s always someone to chat with on omegle. Nah, I’m not that desperate. Yet. I’ve been on that chat site before. It takes a while to find someone willing to have a conversation.

Did I fall asleep? I think I did, but now I’m up. It’s 3:45. If I slept, it was all of ten minutes. I think that’s how I get away with not sleeping during these bouts of insomnia. I’ll get five, ten minutes here or there. At least five minutes during the night. But never more than forty five minutes. I’ve woken, cause of something. I’m cold. That’s it.

Readjust fan. Take forty minutes to decide on tomorrows, opps, later today’s outfit, right down to every last piece of jewellery and sock. If I go to sleep right now, I’ll get 2.5 hours of sleep. Better than none. Drink the last sip of water. Toss. 2 hours of sleep if I fall asleep right now. Turn. Make a parody of some stupid song that doesn’t even make sense. There’s a lot of cars driving by. Must be five. People here work six to who knows when. Hear someone else get up. They leave in half an hour. 1 hour of sleep if I fall asleep right now. Not gonna get it.

Get up and put on a sweatshirt, I give up, I’m going for a walk. By the time I come back home, I can start making breakfast that I won’t actually make or eat and get ready for class. Maybe drink coffee. It has no effect on me, but it’s out of habit, from the days when I hoped it would do something. 7:15. Finally. Grab backpack and start walking to my ride’s house. No one will know that I haven’t slept in a while. Right?

-Kat